blah blah blah blah blah
Why does every copywriter's site look the same if their job is to help you stand out?
"Frank Dante Voted Freelance Copywriter You Will Least Want To Punch In The Face"
It was with great humility that I accepted the above honor, which is given out each millennium to the copywriter who promises to rarely if ever use the following tool-ish terms:
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shift a paradigm
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best practice
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think outside the box
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core competency
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give 110%
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leverage
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robust
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synergy
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mind share
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inbound
No one talks like that in real life. When I hear, see or read words like this I spontaneously burst into flames (it's not a good look for me). I'm not advocating violence against copywriters who speak like this, but I don't think being tarred and feathered for it is asking too much.
So if you're looking for a "cutting edge", "highly unique", copywriter who knows that "content is king" - well, just move along then.
There is nothing to see here.
I write good
What can I offer then, if I don't speak the language that makes the average person want to plunge a knife into their jugular?
How about no-nonsense copywriting and marketing communications strategy?
I use my great-grandmother's secret recipe - 1/3 cajones, 3/5 smarts, 2/9 creativity and 1/27 luck - to tell compelling stories that sell.
So that's it. I write words that sell...without a lot of nonsense and drama.
That's all I've got for you...I wish I had more. Now you're making me feel a way.
Don't judge.
I really didn't want to include these 3 portfolio pieces because, quite frankly, there is nothing remotely sassy, funny or sarcastic in any of them.
But they are all control pieces that I created that all beat the previous controls and made millions of dollars for the client - if you're into those kind of things.
I was paid so well for these pieces that I was able to go from generic, white-box macaroni and cheese with the scary powder to the good kind - the kind with the squishy, real, fake cheese that you squeeze out like a tube of nearly empty toothpaste.
Good
Gooder
Goodest
And Now Back To Our
Regularly Scheduled Llama
WHY???
Well first of all it's a ridiculous picture...which makes it funny...which meets almost all of my requirements.
Secondly, I'm fascinated with the random, extra "L" that someone decided to use when they invented the Llama. How many times do you get to use a word that starts with two of the same letters? It's ccool.
And finally, I didn't really feel like I had much of a choice. My only other options in the universe were the awkward selfie or the smiling business people at a conference table staring at a computer screen.
Since I am not a 16-year-old girl it is mathematically impossible for me to take a good selfie. And sometimes the pictures I take may have a slight tendency to me make me look bald. Which is ridiculous. It's obviously not true.
Let's not even get started on the smiling business people photos.
I've been inside a lot of businesses and sat at countless meetings. And believe me, I've never really ever seen anyone smiling. It's more like:
"...if you've come this far maybe you're willing to come a little further."
Andy Dufresne
RATES
Day Rate $1,500/day
(10 hours)
Monthly Retainer $4,800/month
(40 hours)
Ongoing Open $1,000/day
(>40 hours/month)
If you don't know anything about the above quote you are either very young or have terrible taste in movies. In either case I will not be able to work with you.